and now for something completely different

To quote Monty Python above. Not all things in my life are of a depressed, angry nature. I must offer some reassurance to you all that the Pits of Despair are not as near as they appear. The Cliffs of Insanity, now, they might be right around the corner. To that, one must say, "Inconceivable!"

Below are some good things:
It's snowing today. Flurries, they say, but they can be wrong! Too bad so many daffodils came out early, from all that unnatural warmth lately.

A said, quite philosophically today, "Sometimes crunchin cereal turns into squishy, dat's right." A chorus of Amens from my corner.

I received my very first check for publishing a crochet pattern! Yay! The company, Lark Books,
has tons of different categories of books on crafts etc. My pattern will be part of a book on crocheted fiber jewelry, coming out in the fall sometime. I can't wait!

Check out some photos of recent work on yahoo. Go to the "crochet" folder and scroll down, and you'll see a few things, including a gift for my big sister's birthday and my new curtain in the bathroom. I call it "Ducks in a Row," and it replaces a truly hideous, TP-dust-filled monstrosity of lacy panels, in keeping with the Country Hell Aesthetic of the former owners. And it only took 6 years for me to change it. Imagine the possibilities for the rest of the house! D pulled off the wallpaper border of roses, and once the window is replaced we'll tackle repainting the walls in there. Anyway I bought some happy yellow ruffles at Goodwill the other day for 3 bucks, which I installed in my studio and in the bathroom. Then I made some crochet duck appliques and a border for a leftover gauzy curtain I had hemmed too short to use in my bedroom. The other panels I'm going to use in the dining room, with other crocheted appliques (more to come on that front. It's going to take a lot longer for those, with the idea I have. But they're going to be really cute and happy, like the room.). So there we are. It's 10 AM and I need to actually accomplish something today.

Enough

Instead of working on some crochet stuff, I need to write, albeit briefly. I've just been reading the book, Enough, by Juan Williams. I mentioned him in an earlier post, about his comments on the Civil Rights movement at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. He's one of the few reporters whose ideology doesn't disgust me, and wherever he is reporting, he looks different. I had dismissed him a bit from some things he said on NPR, in his function as White House correspondent, but then I heard him talk about this new book and civil rights history and was intrigued. He's also a correspondent for Fox News, which is a pretty interesting stretch. The article I linked to is an interview with him about his new book, how people perceive him and his message, and ways that people can help stem the epidemic of failure in the black community. The subtitle of the book is a bit long: The Phony Leaders, Dead-End Movements, and Culture of Failure That Are Undermining Black America--And What We Can Do About It. Sums it up quite nicely though.

(I have been reading columns by Dan Rodricks in the Sun as well, and he's going to be writing about groups in the city who are trying (and succeeding) to get people out of the vicious cycle of poverty and ignorance in Baltimore. After nearly twenty murders in that many days, help is too late for them, but maybe there's something that can be done.)

I spent my day off yesterday reading about half of Williams' book, and I am amazed and outraged at what I have read. It's mostly stuff I knew or guessed, but when it's all put together it is a powerful indictment on the wasted opportunities since Brown vs. Board of Education. Baltimore gets more than a shout-out as well, with a few pages about the disgusting, abhorrent murders of the Dawson family by a drug dealer across the street. Williams says that Baltimore has one of the worst murder rates in the country, and guess where the headquarters of the NAACP is? Right here (not for long, it seems. Everyone's leaving, aren't they?). Are they saying jack about these things? No. Not until a whole family gets murdered, and then it's only to blame the police for not protecting them. Not to say, hey! We need to stop ennabling these drug dealers, and stop dealing drugs, and covering up for them and protecting them, even if they're in our families, so that people feel safe walking down the street. No. They just talk about the disproportionate number of black people in prison.

Williams' book is a call to take responsibility, to remember our history as a country, and the sacrifices African-Americans and others made for hundreds of years to be free, to have citizenship, to have the right to vote and to get an education. That yes, there is still racism and inequality, but that people have also contributed to that negative image by leading lawless lives, being promiscuous, rapping about the thug life and glorifying prison time as a rite of passage.

Most rap music is bought by white middle-class kids, most of the video games that have black characters all support the violent, sullen stereotypes, and a lot of street fashion (baggy pants, tattoos, do rags) comes directly from prison dress codes. People in "mainstream" America are buying this stuff, dancing to it, and having a great time, but they're also internalizing the stereotypes. Williams talks about the horny white frat boy dancing to gangsta rap, who years later, is in charge of hiring at a company. Is he going to want to hire people who look like thugs? Is he going to entrust his company to people who are violent, lazy, can't read or speak proper English-- a stereotype he absorbed while listening to this crap? The poor black kids watching BET see that women are slapped around and should wear little to no clothing, men posture and knock up their women and spend all their time dogging other rappers and threatening and killing each other, and what are they supposed to get out of that? If all I saw of white people growing up on TV was Jerry Springer, I'd have some really f'd up notions of my identity and purpose for life. It's hard enough, I say, with a healthy family. It would take a miracle to turn out with any hope or ambition or security in that sort of environment.

So I say Enough as well. I'm going to get some bumper stickers printed with the logo too, like our oh-so-famous and vague, "BELIEVE" crap. Believe in what?? I believe that your bloody blue police lights flashing on top of street poles are a bad idea, I believe you've stewed in your own corruption long enough in the government and school board and justice system. I believe I am sick of the violence and the excuses. I believe I am going to do something about it too.

discipline vs beating the hell out of your kid

Today is my "day off." Usually, I sleep in, eat some breakfast and watch D take care of A for a bit, then they go to Nana and Pop-Pop's for lunch and I can chill till evening. It's a great setup, though to be honest and completely selfish, I seem to always need more time alone. Hermit, remember?

So I went to the gym today, first time in a week and a half, and expected it to be packed with New-Year's resolutions-in-action. It will taper off again in March, maybe February if there's snow and cold. I sat in the car for a minute or two, listening to my new favorite album (beatles--LOVE. brilliant remixes) and feeling hazy, looking forward to working off my funk.

I walked up to the entrance of the Y (33rd Street, used to be Memorial Stadium) and saw a group of about 5 kids, 11 and under, on the benches waiting. The oldest, a girl, was screaming at the youngest, a wailing little boy who looked maybe 3 or so, grabbing him by the arm and trying to pull him back to the bench. I started to walk by, but then she hit him three times on the shoulders and I told her to stop it. I said, "Don't hurt him! I know it's hard because I have a little one too, but don't hit him. That's not going to help." I asked where their mom was and she just stared at me--all the kids stared at me like I was some kind of alien--and then I went inside. She started hitting the kid again and another lady who walked in with me was like, what should we do? And all I could say was I just want to cry, and I did. I ran down to the changing room and just sobbed. God! Have mercy on me, and that whole family. I know it is nothing compared to what thousands of children go through every day in secret. It is horrible! And just today I felt that same rage when A didn't want to obey anything I told him to do. I didn't hit him, but I wanted to. I don't think I am any better than that girl because it is in all of us, every one. I am filled with revulsion, and despair and pity and cowardice. I can see the future for that little boy if he stays here, if you can call dropping out and drugs and prison and an early death a future. But what can I do? I can't do what I have done, walk past and mind my own business. It is my business, that the weak are defended and that people who bear the image of God are treated with the dignity they deserve. We live too close to this other world to ignore what is going on. I want to rip my clothes and put ashes on my head, like the prophets, or at least wear all black like D does now. God help me.

some things I hate

I used to have a much longer list, but by the mercy of God I am not nearly as crumudgeonly. All the same, here's some stuff in no particular order:

• low-waisted jeans. When are people going to design some pants that don't require a Brazilian or a butt-warmer when one stretches slightly or--gasp--sits down? I just got some jeans yesterday at Old Navy, which were mens' jeans because some men actually like having pants on, instead of extended thigh-highs. This trend has gone on long enough (or should I say, low enough?).
  
• speaking of disgusting trends, Flip Flops. Utterly repugnant, in every way. Thankfully, I have not seen one teensy hint of a thongish shoe design in the last three months of the fashion magazines I get. Perhaps people will put their toes back where they belong, and quit *stickflap, stickflapping* all over the place. Eugh.
  
• being sick/tired. Feeling a bit crummy today (gee, can you tell?), which leads to:
• bureaucracy in all its forms, especially medical. Our "new" healthcare plan doesn't cover the doctor I like, and now requires us to get all medical tests done at LabCorp, a most execrable group of health"care" lackeys. See this post for more evidence of their infamy. Also, one day I will write about my trip to Social Security with a 6-week-old in the snow, to change one stinking letter on his card.
  
• Baltimore's murder rate. 15 murders in ten days, people. WTF??? How can the city council, school board, mayor, and every other person in charge show their faces in public? Whatever you're doing (if indeed you are doing something, which is highly debatable), it's. not. working. A man with seventeen prior arrests, including two handgun charges, killed a cop this week. Another woman shot about two blocks from my grandfather's house. A vast majority of the victims and the perps have long prior criminal records, are young, black males, and either do drugs or sell them. This has to stop! Where are the churches??? Where are older black men, and responsible adults of all colors? Where are the fathers of these boys? Segregation did not end for this purpose, so you can shoot a person for looking at you funny, or drop out of school because being educated is "white." And just because you sit on the school board or have some fancy office in city hall, that doesn't mean you understand anything about the lives of the people you supposedly serve. How can people survive, let alone thrive, on a city block with ten boarded-up houses? How can people be expected to choose delayed gratification to meet educational goals, when it's so much easier to get cash by working for thugs? How can families be strong when gangsta rap culture dehumanizes and denigrates everyone--women (bitches and babymamas) and men (niggas and gangstas)? And all people can talk about is the bloody Ravens vs Colts game, and sending more troops to Iraq. Where are our troops? Who is fighting for us?
  
• people who just talk about hating stuff and not praying--and working--for real change. So I'll stop venting my impotent rage and do something worthwhile, ok? Ok. Thanks, I needed that.
  

hazy

I have felt hungover for a week now, though my alcohol intake has been just as moderate as it always is. The few times I have overindulged in my life have been very unpleasant, and I'm too much of a control freak to get myself trashed on a regular basis.

So, the hangover isn't alcohol, and it may not even be the massive quantities of rich foods I have scarfed down like a ravening beast, but there is a heaviness in my eyes, my overfed self, and my mind. Sotto un coperto dell' piombo--under a cover of lead, is how the Italians describe depression. I suppose this happens every year, like Charlie Brown--"I know I'm supposed to be happy, but I just wind up being depressed." And it does. I do get post-(and during-) holiday depression, and feel aimless for a few days or weeks until my normal routines become established again. I'm more a creature of habit than my 3-year-old, and this very abnormal amount of parties sends me into full-on hermit mode.

It was a pretty recent discovery of mine that I am an introvert. I always thought that introverts were people who couldn't have conversations with strangers at parties or make new friends easily, but really introversion/extraversion are about how one is energized. Some people, like my husband and my son get more and more energy, the more people they are around. There is nothing they would like better than having twelve of their friends over to hang out and play games etc.

Others really need mass quantities of alone-time to recuperate from big gatherings of people (church, for example, along with the 10 parties we've been to in the past month or so). So we get more and more exhausted when there are more and more people around. I haven't worked out the ratio yet, but I think I probably need 3 solid days of hermiting to recoup from 1 day of partying (or churching sometimes). So don't expect to see me for about three months, ok?